CNN reports today that, in response to the firestorm surrounding this week’s release of additional photos depicting torture at Abu Ghraib, the now-infamous prison located twenty miles west of Baghdad will be shut down later this year. Prisoners will be relocated to a secure ranch in a remote region of the country. Nicknamed Dick’s Reformatory Ranch for Insurgents (DRRI, pronounced DRY), the new prison will institute a rudimentary but highly effective system of torture designed to keep insurgents in line: anyone who refuses to cooperate with the guards will be sent on out on a quail-hunting mission with the Vice President. The administration is currently negotiating a contract with HalliBIRDon, a subsidiary of Halliburton, to provide quail and other fowl in order to lend the ranch an air of authenticity. “The clear advantage to the new system,” Defense Secretary Donal Rumsfeld says, “is that if anyone gets killed, maimed, or is otherwise compromised, we can call it an accident!”

When questioned about possible ethical dilemmas posed by DRII, President Bush said, “I talked to my lawyers! They assured me it’s legal!”

The First Lady, who describes herself as “an avid birder,” hopes that introducing the insurgents to quail-hunting will have a desirable side effect. “By exposing these people to the healthy American pastime of shooting birds, a pastime which highlights the Biblical mandate that man shall have dominion over beasts, we believe we can encourage the barbarians to convert to Christianity!”