Mitt Romney is a Unicorn : The Shocking Facts Behind the Candidate from Unilandia

 Mitt Romney is a unicorn. This is indeed a very disturbing turn of events for a number of reasons. This article will provide a factual basis for the claims of Mitt Romney’s unicornism and will attempt to analyze some of the more significant dangers of having a unicorn in the White House.

How do we know Mitt Romney is a unicorn?

  1. Many people believe he is a unicorn.
  2. Many people say he is a unicorn.
  3. I read on the internet that Mitt Romney is a unicorn.
Would you marry a unicorn? She did!

Why should you be concerned that Mitt Romney is a unicorn?

  1. Unicorns are unAmerican.
  2. Unicorns practice a weird religion
  3. The constitution of the United States specifically prohibits unicorns from holding public office.
  4. If a unicorn is president of the United States, our number one enemy, Unilandia, will soon dominate the world stage. While Unilandia has a small army in comparison to ours, it has many horns. In fact, recent intelligence reveals that Unilandia has horns of mass destruction (HMD).
  5. If we have a unicorn for president, back room deals with Unilandia will certainly lead to the loss of American jobs, particularly in the crucial areas of circus acts and stuffed animals
Why does the governor of Michigan claim that Mitt Romney was born a human child in Detroit?
That is a fiction perpetrated by the powers that be. In fact, Mitt Romney’s parents put a birth announcement in Detroit newspapers decades ago claiming that Mrs. Romney had given birth to a male child named Mitt. This was a deep-seated conspiracy between the Romneys, the newspapers, and the hospital staff to conceal the fact that Mrs. Romney had engaged in marital congress with a unicorn. Is it possible that Mitt Romney’s mother was a spy from Unilandia? You decide.
What do you have against unicorns?
Nothing. People claim the Unicorner movement is prejudiced against unicorns. The fact is, we have no issue with unicorns, as long as they do not cross our borders, marry our sons and daughters, or make laws that threaten the well-being of law-abiding Americans.
Also, you are lying if you pretend that unicorns don’t creep you out. Have you ever seen a unicorn riding a unicycle? If so, you know it is a nightmarish image you will never forget. Unicorns are like unicycles: weird and scary.
What can you do to keep a unicorn from becoming president?
  1. Spread the word to your friends and neighbors.
  2. Sign the petition to have Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett prove that Mitt Romney is not a unicorn. Bennett threatened to keep Barack Obama off the ballot in Arizona due to birther claims; now it is time to answer the Unicorner claims. The good folks at LeftAction.org have specified that they would like a DNA test, as well as a photograph of Mitt Romeny without his thick and lucious hair, which is quite possibly covering a horn. Isn’t it your duty as an American to investigate these  startling claims?
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Michelle

Sans Serif is the blog of author Michelle Richmond.

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